I wasn't even bothered posting anything new until recently. Somone said I should update. And yet I wonder if there is even a point? What's the pont in bitching on and on about my life? My life is a joke. Pure and simple. And I hate God at the moment for all of this. I know I have had a lot of people with the gift of prophesy talk to me about my life....and it's all been true. They told me life would be hard, that I would really have to fight for everything.....but never did I think it would be quite this hard. I don't think I can do it. I honestly don't. I made a joint decision with my psychologist to come off of medication and to try and manage my illnesses at a milder level. I couldn't tell my family this.
1. Because the majority of them simply wouldn't give a shit.
2. Because my mother would freak out and try and control the situation so that I HAD to be on medication. That was a difficult enough decision, but it's everything else on top of it. I get zilch support from my family. I really do. My mom tries and support me with the few minutes she seems to be free to give me, but in the end I have to count it as zero support, because she just enables my father and my sister in how they act....and thats the most damaging of all. No one has anything but horrible things to say about me. As if with the amount of self esteem I have I need anyone else to do that for me....I'm perfectly capable of that on my own. They seem to think I am a complete joke and drama queen.....someone who wants everyone else to do everything for her. They have no grounds to say this obviously....just something hurtful to throw out there.
When have i EVER had ANYONE do everything for me? It's a joke. Everything I have.....everything I am trying to do....everywhere I am trying to get......thats all because of ME, all because of MY hard work. But no seems to see that. No one gives me any credit. Anything I am good at, Megn tries to take over. Any ideas I have about a subject, Megan can sometimes steal from me and take the credit for them. I don't get credsit for anything ever. Maybe that sounds petty, but you honestly have no idea how damaging it is. Megan has all the friends, and the like, two friends I have Megan tries to take over. So I feel like I have nothing. At most I'm sharing with Megan kind of thing. I know it sounds so petty....but its HARD. I just want to be able to meet up with MY best friend, without friend feeling like they have to invite my sister along. I just want to be good at what IM ggood at, and have that recognised without someone else having to take it over and steal it away from me. And I want people to recognise how hard it's been for me. Especially the past few years. Megan goes on and on about how hard 4th year is for her because she;s dyslexic and has difficulty with projects. It;s just such bull! Why does no one listen or think of me?? Megan did WELL in her exams! Do you have any idea what its like to have to struggle just to get out of bed in the morning? To know your intelligent but not have the energy to focus and then not do well on your exams? To have to go through years of school knowing your not reaching your potential? And then ultimately fail out of school TWICE?? Even though your more than intelligent enough to make it through. Do you have any idea what it's been like for me trying to fight for what I deserve?? How hard I have had to fight to get to where I am today? Which is what?? APLLYING to college? I haven't even been accepted yet. Do you know how difficult THAT is?? My father has nothing but awful things to say. He pisses all over all of my acheivements and acts like I am a worthless nobody who is going to get no where in life. Megan does unfair and mean things all the time, and then when I get upset with her, my father turns around and stands up for HER and says horrible things about ME instead. I honestly can't take this anymore. I am going to go back into hospital soon. I know it. I can feel it. I would be better off without a family. I am having to do everything on my own as it is. At least if my family weren't around all I would be missing out on is the frequent insults and put downs. And then there's church. I haven't been in weeks. Th eway people there make me feel is awful too. I seriously hate them. They need to grow the hell up. But of course I cant say to this anyone, because everyone has so many excuses for them. And I'm just left on my own. Again. And I'm scared. Maybe everyone is right. Maybe I'll never get anywhere. It lave me wanting to kill myself now and get it over with. I'm through with fighting I can't fight my entire life. I don't have the energy. And I hate myself for feeling this way because I sound like such a martyr, and thats not wha tI am trying to be. I just need a break, thats all. I just need a BREAK. | 
